You may have known that several years ago (5 years before I met Chris), an intuitive I trust told me that my soulmate’s name was Chris.
Many of you since that time have asked for her information, and unfortunately she does not do any 1:1 sessions anymore and only works with a handful of business owners to help them clarify what spirit wants them to do in their work.
Also, many of you have asked my thoughts on psychics and intuitives.
The main thing is: you are the guru. Your intuition is the strongest. No one else can channel for you like you can channel for you.
When I first connected with this intuitive, I was getting all sorts of messages about what I was supposed to be doing in my work, which was a big departure from the career I had, and so the intuitive helped validate to me what my intuition was already saying.
I think that if you have a strong practice of connecting with your intuition, a psychic or intuitive can be helpful in clarifying or validating it, because it can be hard to trust our intuitions sometimes. As with anything, do your research, trust your gut, and find someone reputable or whom you have a strong connection with.
Stay empowered. While intuitives and psychics can pick up information for you, you are the one who ultimately gets to check in and feel whether that resonates for you or not.
Lastly, while this intuitive and I had a special connection, and therefore I think she was able to channel a lot of helpful things for me at a time when I needed help with that, I had also seen many psychics and intuitives before who told me lots of information that was very much not true.
If you are guided to see an intuitive or a psychic, let your soul guide you to the person who is right for you. See if you connect with them, and whether it feels like a full body yes to have a session with them, just as with everything else.
Okay, now that we are done with that…
Yes, I was told my soulmate’s name was Chris long before we met. I have had many friends at the time who had sessions with this intuitive and no one ever got a name. In fact, the intuitive confirmed she never got names in any other sessions with any of her other clients.
I think that spirit told me the name because, as you many have gotten from my last story, my love life was a big focus and source of energy in my life.
I got the name at the time I did because I think spirit wanted me to focus on myself and my purpose, and it helped me focus my energy on that as opposed to my love life for a bit.
The big reason was that I needed to learn to trust myself, and the lesson of NOT projecting feelings onto someone solely because someone matched what I “thought” I wanted or had that name.
A lot of women who come into the Big Love Course (which you should totally join) often have this issue. They meet someone who matches what they said they wanted, but they’re not sure about the person and something feels off and they question themselves. In the alternative, they’re dating someone they absolutely adore, but they aren’t what they thought they were manifesting, so they feel unsure.
It’s always about learning to trust our hearts.
It’s a lesson about looking at the content not the frame, and of letting our hearts guide us to whether things feel right, as opposed to being in our heads and projecting that someone must be the right person for us just because they check the boxes we created.
I had to learn this through dating… 6 different Chrises.
I obviously didn’t have the only criterion of: name must be Chris. Instead, I was focusing on calling in guys to date who were kind, passionate about their work, open-minded, etc. etc. etc. and sure enough, 7 of them happened to be named Chris. As you also may have gathered from my last stories, I also dated about 348384 other people who were not named Chris.
It was just this interesting plot twist that some of the guys that I liked more than the others over the years were named… Chris.
Alright, let’s begin. We’ll go in chronological order because, why not?
Almost immediately after the intuitive gave me that name, I ran into an old friend from University named Chris. He asked me out. We went out and it was...fine.
He was moving to Europe to do an MBA soon after that so aside from the connection being lacklustre, it wasn’t going to work.
Lesson from Chris 1: The name alone is not going to mean there’s a connection. This helped me check myself and realize I needed to take the information from an intuitive with a grain of salt.
This was a Chris that I met online shortly after Chris 1. His sister was a Canadian celebrity who my mom was a fan of, so my mother was all over this one.
We dated for a brief period of time but he ultimately, despite being several years older than me, he was immature. It ended quickly.
Chris 2 Lesson: All that glitters is not gold. While this guy had shiny things about him so the frame was interesting, the content of the picture was that on an emotional and life-stage level, we were not on the same page. Another failed “Chris” and I definitely checked myself and decided that I would not focus on the name, and instead remain open to dating great guys of all different names.
For about 3 years… no other Chrises. And some of those guys I did really like, too, it’s just that those 3 years were more about lessons in learning who I was and what I wanted through dating.
At this point, “soulmate Chris” had become a joke amongst my friends and family. I had dated a lot of people during that time and had been labelled “picky” “fickle” etc. etc.
“What, exactly, are you looking for Catie?!” they would ask me after another “Oh him? That’s done now…”
After having to answer that question so many times I just used to joke: “Soulmate Chris… obviously.”
I look back and see that during those years I was supposed to date a lot and learn about myself, as well as what I was looking for, through those experiences. These years in my life were all about shifting from who I “thought” I was, what “should” be doing with my life, and what I “wanted”, and helping me to explore, connect with and ultimately embody my most authentic self and life. This is the ego to soul journey, and I think dating is an incredible container for it because you meet so many new people and learn so much about yourself and others.
Chris 3 was Bachelor Chris. Yes, Canadian Bachelor Chris. Can you imagine my face when I saw the casting sheet when I was getting mic-ed up that first night after having spent 7 days locked up in a hotel room by myself? (Yes - that’s what happens on those shows).
I died. What were the chances?!
At that point, it had been 3 years of NO Chrises so I had really let the thing go. I definitely did not actually think I would end up with a “Chris” at that point, but did often joke to others “but can you imagine if I did?!”
The truth was, in the course of the entire filming, I spent about 2 hours in total with Chris. I barely knew anything about him, and he really didn’t know me either. And yet, because you’re in this weird alternate universe when you are filming a reality tv show I was like “YOU!!! You are amazing!!!! Yes you are probably my husband!!!!”
This “Chris” matched a lot of what I had written down in my journal of what I wanted and was manifesting in a partner. The caveat to that is that I didn’t actually know this Chris that well, so much of him matching what I wanted had been projected onto him.
Projection is where we project stories or items onto situations or people. I projected that this Chris was my soulmate because he matched the magical story that I wanted. I projected that he was a certain way because that fit into my narrative better than staying grounded and really tuning into how my heart felt.
I will also say - Chris fuelled this story because he told me throughout filming that I would “win.” Multiple times. He also told me the day before I got kicked off that I was and we were planning the details of going to my friend’s wedding that summer off camera. I now know that he also told this to other girls, but at the time, it didn’t even cross my mind that he could be lying to me or saying that to multiple people.
If you watched the season, you know I shared with Chris my journal where it says “soulmate Chris” at the top and all these qualities I thought were him. I would have never done that if I didn’t think, with 100% certainty, that I was going to the final one standing, but with the confidence that it would absolutely be me, I thought that it would be great to get the power of manifestation and intention out there to a large audience.
When I got sent home, my jaw literally dropped. It’s actually an epic photo, which you can see in this blog post.
You know why my jaw dropped?
I was shocked.
I was shocked because it didn’t compute to me that I could have had this magical story and it not be what worked out. The projection blew up in my face.
I was shocked that he told me that it would be me, so it didn’t even cross my mind that wouldn't be true, and I was blindsided.
And I was shocked because I was literally thinking: “WHY did I think all of this if it wasn’t true? WHY did my intuition lead me to this weird experience?” and then…. “Oh my god, I am so horrified I shared the journals.”
People often ask me if I was heartbroken after that and the answer was: no. I got over it almost right away, because it was based on an illusion and not reality. It was so weird. It was like I finally got out of the illusion, and when I was back in reality, I had no real emotional attachment to it because it wasn’t real… if that makes sense.
What was very real, however, was that I had someone lie to me which was a lesson in blind trust gone wrong. I was also incredibly embarrassed about sharing about manifesting and my journal on tv, and really concerned about how I would be edited when it aired.
I also deeply regretted going on the show at the time. I had this nice, easy life, and this business that was really taking off… why did I just put myself in a situation that ended up being really difficult, and now would lead to me likely being judged and humiliated?
I grappled a lot with that in the aftermath of that experience: why did my intuition guide me to something that ultimately was really unpleasant?
The biggest lesson was: our intuition guides us to experiences to help us grow, shift and expand. These experiences are definitely not always comfortable. Sometimes they are actually the most uncomfortable, because they’re designed to help us surrender parts of our ego like pride or a sense of control.
Know what makes you stop caring so much about what other people think? Having a whole audience of strangers post all sorts of things they think about you.
Know what makes you give up trying to control the way people see you? Hand over the reigns to how you are presented to a reality tv producer.
Know what makes you get over any resistance to sharing that you’re really into meditation, manifesting, and all things soul? Share it to an audience of millions of people.
Know how to get over your desire to control your schedule? Go into an experience where for 8 weeks you aren’t allowed to control any ounce of your schedule or what you’re doing.
It was a massive lesson in humbleness and letting go of control.
On a positive note, the Bachelor is an amazing show because you are forced to be so open about yourself and what you want, so it was actually a really powerful lesson in practicing that which I took with me moving forward.
And with Chris? Well, I learned, once again, that I needed to not let myself get caught up in a story of who someone is and starting future tripping into what our lives would look like together. I need to stay rooted in my heart, present, and actually tend to how I was feeling.
Content not the frame.
The universe loves to repeat lessons until we really get them.
I vowed after that to never date someone named Chris again so that this stupid Chris story could die, and to make sure I wasn’t getting wrapped up in any future stories of where it was going with someone I was dating and to just let it unfold.
And then… literally one week after filming stopped I met another Chris. What are the chances!
I had just finished filming the Bachelor and was in a weird place in my life where I felt just really embarrassed about the whole thing, even though no one knew what happened yet.
To help deal with this ego-death of my pride, I was going to yoga a lot.
And you know who I saw in yoga one day? This hunk of a man.
Right there, in the back row. This yoga class was truly one of my favourite things. It is very challenging, the music is loud, and the teacher swears at us a lot. It is magical, but it is also not for everyone, which is why I usually saw the same familiar faces every week.
But then, in a sea of familiar faces, there he was: HUNK.
I was so distracted in class so kept looking over at him. He had a pretty good practice! And that face! And he was such a….man!
We basically made google-y eyes at each other all class, so I knew he was into me too.
After class I decided I would do my usual single-girl move that I always did to get guys to approach me: make myself super available for him to come talk to me if he was interested.
I waited outside of the studio and called a girlfriend.
When he came out of the studio, I was there, on the phone and he waved goodbye to me and smiled.
I quickly hung-up the phone (BYEEE YEAH CALL YOU LATER 911 HUNK EMERGENCY) and went to the guy: “hard class, wasn’t it?”
And from there, we started chatting. He asked for my number - we went out… and then that Summer I basically fell into a cocoon of feelings for him.
He was so different from anyone I had ever dated or met.
He was older, for starters, about 11 years older than me. He was also a finance guy (I really loved guys who knew numbers and were analytical thinkers), but was also super open-minded and even went to Burning Man (which at the time was way more rare and arguably cooler than it is now).
We could just as easily talk about our careers as we could about meditation.
He was the first person I dated who could understand my business and law side, and also really understand the free-spirited, spiritual side of me too.
He was also so fun! He was so social and always hosting fun get togethers with his friends, who were also awesome.
And he did yoga! And he loved restaurants and good wine too.
He had this epic apartment in my favourite neighbourhood in Toronto and had just finished building this incredible upstairs lounge area where there was a hammock that overlooked the CN tower.
During those summer nights it was so fun to hang out up there, make dinner, chat and watch over the city. Honestly, it was a really amazing time and later gave me a lot of inspiration for the type of relationship I wanted to call in.
That Summer was also full of challenges.
My grandmother passed.
I got a really bad stress rash that covered my entire abdomen, chest, and back (in the middle of summer!) It could only be healed by waiting it out for the 6-8 weeks it took to heal naturally, so it was an entire Summer of it. I was really self conscious about it but he was such a gem about it.
I was awkwardly adjusting to being back at work and running my business after the two months I took off to live in an alternate reality.
And lastly, I was so nervous about how I would be portrayed on the show and feeling anxious about that.
He was a great grounding, masculine force in my life during that time.
Given the above, do you see why I was all in with this guy?
One small issue: he declared that he would never, ever get into a committed relationship ever again.
He had a bad experience when he was younger with a woman he dated, and vowed after that that he would never get married. Keep in mind that he is in his 40s. This is not some 26 year old guy stating this. He meant it and had lived it.
I, of course, thought: “this will be different. I will change you. This is special.”
We had a few conversations about it where he tried to suggest he was “open to trying to be more open” which for me was enough.
I was committed to now just “letting it unfold”, so was trying to just go with the flow and follow the connection.
The thing is, it’s not my job to change someone, and if they are set in a certain way of thinking or a choice for how to live their life, it’s fairly unlikely that they will sway.
About halfway through the Summer I went to a wedding where I was gushing to my friends about this guy.
The next day, my friend called me.
“I think that guy is also dating my friend. I just wanted you to know. I put it together and he sounded so similar to the guy she is dating.”
I was rattled, obviously.
I brought it up with him and he brushed it off. He had been set up with her by friends, they had gone on a couple of dates. He wasn’t yet ready to be exclusive with me or anyone.
While that wasn’t what I wanted to hear, in my ongoing effort to “let it unfold”, I decided that I would be okay with this gray-zone area of both of us potentially dating other people for a little while. This type of situation, I learned, does not work for me, but I was trying it out.
As the Summer went on, I assumed he stopped seeing other people since we spent so much of our time together.
I was wrong.
Assumptions will get you, which is why I now know never to assume exclusivity.
By the end of Summer, I decided that I had enough and I couldn’t be in this weird no-labels, open to whatever situation, and so had to advocate for what I needed. Remember, I learned that lesson before and had gotten good at it! We either needed to be exclusive or I needed to walk away.
He basically panicked when I brought this up. Again, he had all this commitment issues and I was asking for that. We had this interesting conversation where he wouldn’t say he was fully committed but would say “I’m at the table with you.”
I was trying to give him some grace, and assumed, based on our conversation that this meant that we were exclusive.
“I’m at the table with you” was meant to mean… I’m here with you, opening up to you, and my heart is with you right now but I have an issue around commitment so let's label it this way.
I felt okay about this.
Fast forward to a few weeks later and it’s the beginning of Fall. That same friend calls me and lets me know that he is still dating her friend, and she’s weirded out because she’s in the middle of it, but feels like we are both being told the same thing by him.
I was angry. I took some time to decide what to do and what I wanted.
I decided then that what I wanted was to address why he said we were exclusive (oh right - he said “at the table”) and weren’t, and to lay down the boundary once again that if he couldn’t be exclusive, then I needed to walk away.
We had that conversation. I’ll hand it to him - he was really open and vulnerable about where his own blocks around commitment came from, but we ultimately just came to the conclusion that we weren’t on the same page of what we wanted and needed.
And so from that, I learned to walk away and to honour myself and was another lesson in honouring my own boundaries. I was also proud that I didn’t project that he could be different than he was.
Interestingly, he and that other woman ended up dating for quite some time with no formal labels around them. What I also learned is that alignment matters, and that there’s a lid for every pot so to speak. That arrangement they had worked super well for them, but never would have worked for me, and that’s okay.
He came into my life at the right time, and left at the right time too, even if it didn’t seem that way at first. A Course in Miracles always says that people come into our lives to teach us certain lessons but we don’t get to choose the lessons, or how long they’re in our lives for.
As I wrote before, I was really happy for that experience because there were a lot of things about his energy, about the things we did, and about our rapport that later were a big inspiration when I crafted the new vision of the type of relationship I wanted to call in.
I always thought we might cross paths again, but interestingly, we never did. At least not in the last 4 years since then. We were supposed to align for that time period, and then to exit just as cleanly and clearly.
After this, there were 2 years of dating other people.
It’s the beginning of 2019. I have left my law career and fully aligned with my soul’s path to coach, guide, and teach women to step into their full power and live their best lives. I am feeling grounded, clear-headed, and never more like myself.
I have been doing the healing part of the work we do in the Big Love Course.
This is a few months after the Iceberg. I have taken some time to heal the past, get clear on the future, and center myself. I had already declared that I was now ready to call in my soulmate, and after spending the last few months getting grounded, really felt like it was much closer.
The November before the start of the new year, I am in Costa Rica leading one of my retreats. I keep getting a message in the jungle that I need to go to NYC. I now know better than to assume that this message is tied to some guy being there. I just know my intuition is guiding me to NYC, and since I blindly follow everything my intuition says, I book a flight.
The week leading up to the flight, this guy who I met 5 years at an NYC bar the same night that high school crush ignored me. Remember how I said I found someone new? It was this guy. It was so strange because we literally met for one night and I remember exiting the bar and saying “if we’re meant to meet again, we will…”
Over the years, we sort of kept in touch and tried to meet up whenever I was in NYC or he was in Toronto but the timing never aligned.
And then, oddly enough, out of nowhere my intuition kept bringing him into my mind so strongly a week before I was set to fly out. I think you’ll now know that I dated a LOT, so it was weird to me that this guy I met once was popping up in my head. I was confused about this, and briefly saw that we still had each other on Facebook but decided not to do anything about it.
Then, I got to my hotel room in Brooklyn and had an intuition to open Linkedin, of all things.
“Hey!!! Long time no speak. I see you made a career change. I’m about to make one too.” - Chris 5.
The same guy that after 5 years had just popped into my head all week leading up to my flight happens to message me right when I arrive in the city? Magic!
I excitedly write him back. “You’ll never believe it - I actually just got to NYC.”
We quickly make plans to meet up. As it turned out, he lived down the street from where I was staying.
I am dying because...his name is Chris, this is a magical story of having met 5 years before and never forgotten about each other, he seems so great, he happens to message me when I've been thinking about him all week, he lives in NYC, and I have gotten rid of my “Chris” story but I’m seriously thinking: “wait a second… imagine he is *CHRIS*?!”
Maybe this is why my intuition told me to book a flight to NYC...I was supposed to see him again.
We meet up and it’s like we are old friends. That’s pretty incredible considering everything. As it turns out, not only is his name Chris, but he literally matches everything I said I was looking for. The revised, and very thoughtful, vision of what I was looking for that I had just done a lot of work around getting clear on.
We have a 6 hour date that only ends because we both have different plans with friends. We commit to seeing each other later that weekend. I am so excited.
Later that weekend comes, and a text comes along with it: “I need to cancel our plans.”
What I found out is that Chris 5 was seeing someone, albeit not exclusively (if I can reiterate again - please, never assume you are exclusive with someone and have the courage to have that conversation when you want that clarity), and was conflicted about it.
I was disappointed, obviously, because I thought that was why my intuition led me to NYC, but more so because we really did have an incredible connection I was excited to explore.
We ended up meeting up the day my flight left to talk it out more.
Again, I had gotten really good at open communication and advocating for what I wanted, so we had a great talk.
He and the other person he was dating had a long history of dating on and off, and she lived in the city. I was this Canadian girl who had this freedom-lifestyle, didn’t live in NYC, and was a representation of the polar opposite of what he had going, in his mind. He wanted to explore what could happen between us, but was overanalyzing how it would work.
I told him that strong connections are rare, so that we should explore it. I said he should take some time and reflect on what he wants, and that I would leave the window open for us to date for a month. If he wanted to explore the connection, he could stop seeing the other person, and then fly to Toronto to do that.
He said “a month!? What about longer...” I laughed and told him that if it wasn’t him, I was nearly certain my big love was around the corner and that I would meet them and be off the market forever after that. That ended up being true.
From that Chris, I learned that someone can be exactly what you wanted on paper, and you can have this incredible connection, and it can still not align.
I also often reminded myself, "the Universe always trades up. If it's not this, it's something even better. There must be another person who has all the qualities of this guy and is an even better match for me."
This was also a good test in practicing a lot of the lessons I had learned over the years around open communication, boundaries, being clear on what I wanted, being vulnerable, keeping my heart open and trusting in the universe's plans and the possibility of a "something better."
That month's time-frame closed, not that I was holding my breath. I let it go. It was February, and I was leading another retreat in Costa Rica.
The jungle whispered to me again: “You need to go back to NYC.”
I, again, always trust the messages from my intuition, which are always especially clear when I’m in Costa Rica.
I assumed that there was something else for me in NYC - something totally unrelated to love, so I booked another flight.
Chris 6 - SOULMATE CHRIS
I arrive in NYC again in April for the trip I booked in Costa Rica.
At this point, I am feeling great. I have been doing the work of the Big Love course, am consciously calling in the One, and feeling really trusting. It’s been several months of full-time entrepreneurship and I am feeling so lit up by my life and so proud of what I’ve created. I feel so good that i was able to create my dream life all by myself. I had been diving even deeper into the feminine energy, and am also feeling so goddess.
I’ve been dating in Toronto, and am in a space where I’m having fun. I just knew that the person was really close, so was trusting that every person that was coming into my life was part of the journey while this person made their way to me.
It was on that NYC trip that before taking myself out to dinner one night I was playing around on my phone on Hinge.
At the same time, Chris was in Belize on a scuba trip, killing some time before dinner and playing on his phone too.
When I saw his photo I had an instant recognition and full body chills. I thought: I think that this is my person. Then I immediately checked myself. “Catie….no stories.”
And maybe you already know this part of the story. Despite my best efforts to let go of a “Chris” here was another one.
Chris was flying back to NYC the day that I was flying out.
There’s more of a story on how we met that you can read in another blog post.
Meeting him was the ultimate encapsulation of so many of the lessons I needed to learn:
When Chris was flying in to Toronto, on his own accord and suggestion, and booking his own hotel without me even having to ask, I had no stories about it. I was excited, yes, but I had every aspect of the romance of the story blow up in my face before, so I was really grounded and ready to let it unfold.
But yeah, we met and instantly when we did, I felt it in my bones that it was game over. It was a deeper level of knowing that I had ever experienced in regard to anything and still haven’t. That’s the magic of our cells and our souls. All of those moments before to get me to this one.
Now Chris and I are happily together and it’s made me laugh so much the cosmic joke of it all.
Every lesson along the way was leading me here.
If you want to call in Your Big Love, you can sign up here.